Every once in awhile, as a writer, or somebody who pretends to be a writer, you can always start a post. The ideas are all on the tip of your tongue, waiting to come out. Sometimes, the words come easily. You can start any post you want, just fine. But then you try and get to the meat of the post. What point did you want to make?
One of the posts I wanted to start was to tell you all about my week from h*ck. I had an abnormal amount of hours at Starbucks, coupled with far less sleep than usual. Not a winning combination right off the bat. Then you factor in class – oh, and finals approaching, next week. Oh, sure, and on top of that, let’s triple my normal hours at Crossway. What could happen? I was hoping that I could garner some sympathy – but, please, forget that I was the one who signed up for all of these extra hours.
I could tell you that I struggled with anger this week far more than I ever have before. It was terrible – I got angry at customers who were just trying to enjoy some coffee, for crying out loud. I got mad at a coworker for not grabbing something for me that he should have. I got mad at one of my best friends for not calling me twice this week – despite what I could have done to remind them. I got mad at someone being stuck in the middle of an intersection. I got mad at someone for texting me – it’s a long story. I wanted to garner sympathy – some of these stories are real tugs at the heartstrings.
I wanted to start a post reflecting my current reading, or really, the lack of. I read 125 books in 2016. I’ve read maybe five theological books this year so far. Sure, plenty of time to catch up and even overcome my old record in a flash. I wanted to talk about how much more free I feel reading more fiction. How I feel like I have less to share, but a wider imagination. How theological brainy truths have hit my heart now that I give it all time to breathe. But I also want you to notice how many books I read last year. I want you to ask how I plan on overcoming my last year’s record if I’m already three months behind.
Oh yeah, I could easily turn any of these posts into something sadder than it needs to be. I could get far more attention than I’m due for this. But I don’t want any of that.
Or really: I do.
I know I want the validation that could have come from any of those posts. I could have gotten it, too. I know the people whom I should tag to get what I want.
But I want this validation because God has been silent. Where is he – how is he working? Who knows. All I know is that I’m not feeling him or his nearness lately. And that terrifies me.
So maybe your affirmation will fill the hole. And, if not, Lord knows I’m still desperate to find it in case it does work.